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Lily Evans

is this what we call love?
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Hmph. [ Friday August 26th 2005; 9:00 pm]
Hogsmeade weekend passed, and I did not go. I had permission, for the first time, and I didn't go. I place full blame for this on Potter, considering he promised to take me and has not said two words to me since then. And... well, I was looking forward to it I suppose, and I did want to spend at least a little time with him. My girlfriends all have boyfriends to go to Hogsmeade with - a luxury I don't have. And I at least hoped I would have some company.

But, no! BLOODY SOD NEVER EVEN BOTHERED TO CONTACT ME! I was waiting in the common room all afternoon.

The irritation has left me, somewhat. I was fuming earlier in the week. My first Hogsmeade visit, after all...

On another note, I have no idea what I want to do with myself. It's confusing - I don't even really know any wizarding jobs. Perhaps I'll work at that bank... or settle down. I suppose the latter would be nicer than the former, all things considered, but I'm hard-pressed just to wait around for the love of my life. It's very old-fashioned. But I suppose that at the end of the day, all I want to do is be happy.

I envy those who understand where they're going. I don't feel like I ever will.

School, prefect duties, haircut [ Tuesday August 16th 2005; 4:21 pm]
[ mood | cynical ]

Being a prefect is more difficult than I thought! I have so much less time on my hands than I did in fourth year... it's ridiculous! I cannot for the life of me remember first years having this much disregard for the rules. Especially in Gryffindor - the things some of these blokes come up with is unbelievable. As a result, I've given up a good amount of my free time to try to keep some of them in order and to patrol the hallways. Sigh. I wonder if Remus has been doing the same.

Speaking of Remus, we were chatting the other day and the subject of The Beatles came up. It is just beyond me that any kid of non-wizarding descent hasn't heard of The Beatles, but Remus said he'd barely listened to any of their music. I decided that I would talk to the professor of Muggle Studies to see if he has a record player - mum's been sending me all sorts of Muggle things now that she's figured out how to use the owl I gave her, so I've got a few records. Remus must, absolutely must listen to them. I'm thinking that we'll just sit in a corner of the common room some night soon and listen to John Lennon and be happy.

Academically, school's been alright. I'm absolutely in love with charms this year! I was never really found of it before now, but this year it's been a lot more advanced and therefore a lot more generally enjoyable. Also, I must admit, potions class is somewhat of a guilty pleasure and I definitely look forward to it. Other than that, though, most of my classes are less than entertaining... I haven't really seen my friends from last year, and I've been doing homework and prefect duties most of the time. It's not really that big a deal, just because I stay up in the dorms or in the library, but I do miss my girlfriends.

And! Augh! That bloody James Potter, after making such a big deal about his fancying me and this and that, has not spoken to me since. I've already seen him around! It's vaguely irritating, considering the fact that he has such blatant disregard for me after saying such brash things. The whole issue has been in the back of my head, but each time I bring it forward I just get frustrated. I wish he would at least speak or something opposed to just pretending the whole ordeal never happened.

That's it for now. I think I might need a haircut, though I'm completely clueless as to how to do it magically and I don't want to mess it up by attempting to just cut it myself. I might have to persuade one of the more fashion-inclined Slytherin girls to do it for me, though I doubt they'd even bother with someone not from a pure blood family.

? &&& 7

On Muggles and magic. [ Friday August 5th 2005; 5:09 pm]
[ mood | confused ]

I'm back at Hogwarts and I'm hard-pressed to find myself liking it this year. I'm in the company of wizards and witches and I can learn magic and it's an exhilarating feeling. But at the same time, every year I come back to school at Hogwarts I feel more and more isolated. Coming off of a summer spent with Muggles, in Muggle houses, shopping for Muggle clothes, with a Muggle family... it's as if I don't belong here. It makes me feel as if I'm a little girl, when Petunia and all of our cousins and I would run around in the garden waving sticks as if wands, riding sweeping brooms, wearing pointed hats and playing make-believe. I was so attached to the idea of being a witch; of being distinguishable and special, because as a Muggle child, I was nothing if not ordinary. And then I got that letter, that acceptance letter from Hogwarts and I didn't want to believe it. How could I? The one thing I had ever wanted in my eleven years of existence was coming true, and it was impossible. At first, the entirety of my family laughed it off; but when the owls continued coming, we began to believe. After those first few guided trips down Diagon Alley, my parents acknowledged my presence as a witch. Petunia was scathing; she angrily told our cousins that I was evil, that I was a freak, that I was different in the worst way. These children relayed the information to my aunts and uncles, and very soon thereafter, I started to believe that the world of wizards and witches and magic was nothing but a cruel dream. And then - then I went to school. And with the most awkward of glances from mum and dad I boarded the Hogwarts Express and entered a place that I can safely say changed my life forever.

But as soon as the school year comes to an end, I'm back at home. Home with parents that care the best they can, a jealous sister - and a non-immediate family who sees me as the Lily Evans before I turned eleven. But for all their quirks, their problems with me as a witch... I wonder, what would my life be like today if I had never gone to Hogwarts? I have always been more comfortable around Muggles, for virtue of the fact that I've been around them for most of my life. And lately, more often than not, I struggle to differentiate between Lily Evans as a witch and Lily Evans as a Muggle. Summers are spent in the presence of Muggle friends with whom I can be free with, despite all ignorance of my life as a witch. And then, then I come to Hogwarts and am smacked in the face with the idea that I'm utterly inferior because I'm Muggle born, and because I like it; because I love Muggles and find it increasingly difficult to stop myself from wondering why I'm even here, at Hogwarts. It's like a closing pressure to prove myself as a witch, that I do belong here.

Which is probably why I'm taking so many difficult classes. Admittedly, they are interesting, but I feel like O.W.L.s are going to possibly drive me over the edge. But perhaps I just need to learn how to let myself go here, and not worry about who I am outside of Hogwarts. In living somewhat of a double life, I suppose it would be easiest to enjoy both of them the best I can.

In completely unrelated thought trains, I would really like to try Butterbeer. I've really yet to go to Hogsmeade because of permission problems, so I haven't had any yet.

? &&& 33

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