I'm back at Hogwarts and I'm hard-pressed to find myself liking it this year. I'm in the company of wizards and witches and I can learn magic and it's an exhilarating feeling. But at the same time, every year I come back to school at Hogwarts I feel more and more isolated. Coming off of a summer spent with Muggles, in Muggle houses, shopping for Muggle clothes, with a Muggle family... it's as if I don't belong here. It makes me feel as if I'm a little girl, when Petunia and all of our cousins and I would run around in the garden waving sticks as if wands, riding sweeping brooms, wearing pointed hats and playing make-believe. I was so attached to the idea of being a witch; of being distinguishable and special, because as a Muggle child, I was nothing if not ordinary. And then I got that letter, that acceptance letter from Hogwarts and I didn't want to believe it. How could I? The one thing I had ever wanted in my eleven years of existence was coming true, and it was impossible. At first, the entirety of my family laughed it off; but when the owls continued coming, we began to believe. After those first few guided trips down Diagon Alley, my parents acknowledged my presence as a witch. Petunia was scathing; she angrily told our cousins that I was evil, that I was a freak, that I was different in the worst way. These children relayed the information to my aunts and uncles, and very soon thereafter, I started to believe that the world of wizards and witches and magic was nothing but a cruel dream. And then - then I went to school. And with the most awkward of glances from mum and dad I boarded the Hogwarts Express and entered a place that I can safely say changed my life forever.
But as soon as the school year comes to an end, I'm back at home. Home with parents that care the best they can, a jealous sister - and a non-immediate family who sees me as the Lily Evans before I turned eleven. But for all their quirks, their problems with me as a witch... I wonder, what would my life be like today if I had never gone to Hogwarts? I have always been more comfortable around Muggles, for virtue of the fact that I've been around them for most of my life. And lately, more often than not, I struggle to differentiate between Lily Evans as a witch and Lily Evans as a Muggle. Summers are spent in the presence of Muggle friends with whom I can be free with, despite all ignorance of my life as a witch. And then, then I come to Hogwarts and am smacked in the face with the idea that I'm utterly inferior because I'm Muggle born, and because I like it; because I love Muggles and find it increasingly difficult to stop myself from wondering why I'm even here, at Hogwarts. It's like a closing pressure to prove myself as a witch, that I do belong here.
Which is probably why I'm taking so many difficult classes. Admittedly, they are interesting, but I feel like O.W.L.s are going to possibly drive me over the edge. But perhaps I just need to learn how to let myself go here, and not worry about who I am outside of Hogwarts. In living somewhat of a double life, I suppose it would be easiest to enjoy both of them the best I can.
In completely unrelated thought trains, I would really like to try Butterbeer. I've really yet to go to Hogsmeade because of permission problems, so I haven't had any yet.